I feel like a spiritual schizophrenic. I am the wee scared self (wss) who needs her plans. I am the Witness who whispers “Nothing wrong”.
wss is scared of missing out, being left behind, of delusion. She makes plans for a future that does not exist, broods over a past now gone. She does not know who she is without a plan, how will she get out of bed? She loves her problem solving mind, her analytical skills that are failing her now. She is the needy girl, face pressed against the window, even now, even here, begging “Let me in”. Her only question was always “Why?”. She needs to know, she can’t let go until she knows.
Her need to know feels like a tantrum now, wss is a toddler throwing a fit, shaking her fist towards the heavens, hot tears streaming from her eyes, her face red and scrunched in pent-up anger. The anger of being misunderstood, ignored, sidelined.
The Witness Susan Self ( WSS) watches with compassionate love , scoops wss into her arms and asks tenderly “what do you want, my darling?”
wss sobs “I want to be loved, I want to be free, I want to be seen, to run and jump and play. I want you to look at me and see who I am”.
Who am I?
Who am I without my plans? Who am I without the solid ground of everything I took myself to be?
Who is this I who wants so desperately?
Who is this I who sees?
I want to know the answers and I want them now.
WSS soothes my fevered brow, brushes hot sweaty hair from my eyes.
“You do not need the answers, not yet, not yet, yet”
“But I want them”, wss wails.
A storm is raging inside me, against a paradoxical background of peace and joy. A hurricane of pain and longing is blowing through me, created by a S/self that both knows and refuses to know.
I am a spiritual schizophrenic. Two tracks playing their simultaneous songs.
There is nothing wrong/I am losing my mind/There is nothing wrong/I am losing my mind/There is nothing wrong/I am losing my mind/There is nothing wrong/I am losing my mind.
WSS says “Relax and enjoy the storm, let it blow right through you without resistance, you will soon smell the ozone in the crisp morning air.”
wss says “You are losing your mind, you need to stop right now, go back to where you came from, you were safe there. Everyone thinks you are crazy, you are making it all up. Why can’t you just be normal? Who do you think you are? You are going to lose everything and everybody.?
I am losing my mind. WSS applauds in the background.
“At last”, she says.
“Be brave, my love, come home”
wss is terrified. WSS just smiles.