This feels like the bravest post I have done to date. I have written about the spiritual experiences I have had since I experienced burnout. I have become aware of a Self that observes everything that happens, as well as another part of me that is scared.
I decided to set up a dialogue between them in order to get some insight and this is what emerged. I feel vulnerable as hell posting this. I have used wss (wee scared self) and WSS (Witness Susan Self) which makes me sound crazy. Oh God I am judging myself so harshly.
wss: When I burned out last year, I could not believe I had gone from a 6 year struggle to regain my health, to getting my degree, becoming a teacher, getting a promotion to a job I felt born to do, then losing it all again. Everything about that is just plain wrong.
WSS: Nothing is wrong, my love. Every experience you chose was tailor made for your awakening.
wss: How? What was the point of it all?
WSS: To wake you up and prepare you for the work you came here to do.
wss: What is that?
WSS: To be a teacher, of course. But not of Mathematics! You chose situations to develop capacities you need – how can you sit with the suffering, if you have never known what it is to suffer? How can you be a light in this world if you have never known darkness?
wss: I am so scared I am just making all of this up. That I am delusional or mentally ill. That I am losing my grip on reality. Am I just parroting the words of other people whose books I have read? How would I know? I read it is dangerous to overstate one’s level of awareness. Is that what I am doing?
WSS: Firstly, those that are delusional would never ask such questions or have such doubts. You are losing your grasp of your perceived reality in order to grasp Reality. This is a very good thing.
wss: So why am I so scared?
WSS: You aren’t!
wss: Do not dismiss my feelings! I am terrified of being misunderstood, excluded, mocked, laughed at, criticised. I want to be loved and to feel safe.
WSS: You have already created the conditions for you to feel all those things. You can lay them all aside now, you know that.
wss: I am still scared
WSS: It is only the vibration of what you thought you are. The ripples of it are far from your centre now. Watch them go. Stay in the centre. What have I told you?
wss: There is nothing wrong
wss: Relax and enjoy?
WSS: Yes. There is no more fear unless you choose it. Do you choose it?
WSS: There you go. Nothing more to do or be except what is arising now. You have already written about waiting for the impulse to act to arise. That is all that you need do. Don’t live in the past, in remembered pain or in the future in imagined pain. Relax and enjoy the ever arising now. Everything you need is here, now and now and now. Not everything you THINK you need, just everything you need.
[Pressing publish before I lose my nerve]